Hi! My name is Ben Wunderin and I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Ben isn’t my real name, but your questions are very much real. This month, I am answering a question around how you can support your friends and family members in their grieving journey.
Dear Ben,
I’ve got a friend who recently lost a young child to medical complications. She is very distraught and I am not sure how to help. I have never experienced a loss like this, and I do not feel like I can relate to her. I feel horrible about her having this experience, and I want to help her. What would you recommend I do?
Sincerely,
A grieving friend
Dear Grieving Friend,
A loss this close to home is difficult for any parent to experience. I am sorry to hear about the tragedy that has struck you and your friend’s family. Dealing with this type of loss is a deep grief that ultimately takes time for one to heal.
In situations like these, the hardest challenge for us, the support system, is to allow the grief to take place.
In 1969 Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published a book titled, “Death and Dying.” In it, Kubler-Ross first identifies the five stages of grief. It was originally thought that this was a linear process in which we first experience the stage of denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
Denial is where we feel like what we are experiencing isn’t real and we almost dissociate from reality. Anger is the stage where we come back to the reality of our experience and we disapprove of the situation. Bargaining doesn’t always play a large role, but this can look something like someone making a deal with God in a final plea to change the outcomes.
The next stage moves on to use eventually, experiencing the true loss and the overwhelming sadness of having a life without this person. Finally, we learn to accept the loss and we find a way to pick up the pieces and slowly move forward.
We have come to learn, however, that this process isn’t a linear progression and once we achieve acceptance, we are not completely healed. We now understand that these stages are more like parts of a circle, and we are like a ball that bounces inside this circle. We can go from acceptance to depression, to denial, and back to depression or acceptance. We experience these emotions as we go through time and pass significant moments like birthdays, holidays, death anniversary, or even walk into a store and have a memory flashback.
As outsiders watching those closest to us grieve, what we can do is be a support in their grieving process — whatever stage they are in. We also have to accept that we cannot fix this or heal them. What we can do is let them know that they are loved and frequently thought about.
Oftentimes, as outsiders, we view the immediate loss as the time to show up for those we love, when the stages of grief can and will most likely play out for months or even years. Check in on this friend. Ask if you can take them to lunch; offer to sit with them just to watch a movie or listen to some music.
After the initial loss, people will go back to their lives, but this friend will still be going through the stages. All we can do is sit with them in this space and let them know that you are there for them, and that you are sitting with them in that space. Be willing to assist them with things they may ask for help with like shopping or cleaning.
As always, recommendations to seek professional help are always good. Help them find someone that is within their insurance panel and help them get in to see someone who is professionally trained and licensed to walk them through this process.
With much love to you and yours, Ben Wunderin
If you have a question to submit, visit benwunderin.com.
Submitted By Ben Wunderin
