Our family’s story started 23 years ago in April 2002. We had a bit of a unique start, as a blended family. My husband had full custody of his three kids from a previous marriage, and I too had full custody of my three kids from a previous marriage. The day we married, we had five boys and one girl all between the ages of eight and one – with three 4-year-old’s. My husband’s youngest was three weeks older than my twins who were my oldest. Two years after we married, we added one more to the bunch.
Life was always interesting with seven kids, but they all got along so well, and most never knew we had a blended family. With twins being my first born, they always had a built in buddy. It seemed, with a blended family, it just allowed all of the kids to have extra built in buddies as well. Life was crazy and always changing, but life always seemed pretty good.
Out of all of the kids, I think I can say in full confidence, Austin, who was one of my twins, and I had a little different relationship. We were super close. Austin always seemed a little more protective of me as his Ma. We talked about just about everything. Austin was always so in tune with how I felt and always wanted his “Ma” to be happy. Any time I was upset or down, he could sense it and would always do whatever he could to try to make me smile. That connection went both ways though. Like Austin, I could always tell when he was down.
The Austin I saw always seemed happy and care free, until I started to notice a distinct change in him. A change so drastic, it scared me.
It was a spring day in April. Austin pulled up in his car, and from the moment he stepped out of his car, I could instantly tell something was off. Austin was experiencing some challenges in his dating life, and there were physical and emotional signs that made me concerned for his safety. He had also begun to self-harm.
We had just discovered this was happening with Austin. I was on alert anyway, but one day when Austin pulled up, I could tell something was off. He walked up to me in the garage, and I put my hands on his shoulders, looked him in the eyes and simply asked,“What’s wrong?”
Austin, was tall and muscular and was often told he looked like a young Super Man, so I did not expect him to fall into my arms sobbing like he did, but this was really bad and I could feel it. When Austin could muster a response, it was clear. He said, “Ma,I am just so sad. I don’t know what to do.” My heart broke into a million pieces as he just sobbed in my arms.
This version of Austin I was seeing was so unlike him. He was always so happy and had such a great personality. Both Austin and his twin Hayden are extremely handsome, super smart, and very charismatic. Anyone who met Austin could just feel his genuine kind-hearted nature and enjoyed being around him.
Austin always thought of others and always tried to put everyone else first. He had everything going for him. Both Austin and Hayden had tested into Utah County Academy of Sciences (UCAS), doing high school and college congruent and planning to graduate high school with an associate degree in science.
Austin was motivated and so talented. Everything he tried, he would work at it and work at it until he became the best at whatever he wanted to do. With all that talent and drive, Austin was also extremely hard on himself. With this new challenge of depression, it led him on a journey we could not have imagined.
From the day Austin fell into my arms sobbing, he spiraled quickly. That same day, we got Austin into a therapist with the help of our Latter-day Saint Church bishop and he then had several stays at different treatment centers and had a couple serious suicide attempts.
Over the next year, along with his struggles, we watched as Austin became that friend that he must have needed. Any time Austin would hear of anyone struggling with their mental health, he would rush to help them. He would sit with them and stay until he knew they were OK. He would often get in trouble with us as his parents because it did not matter what time, day or night, if a friend needed him, he would take off to help. Literally, we would watch as he would jump and run at full speed, sprinting for at least a mile until he would disappear out of sight over the next hill. When he would leave, sometimes it was on foot, sometimes on his skateboard, and then eventually in his car. It was hard to be mad at him for long though, because really, how could you be mad at your kid for wanting to help others?
Three years had passed and Austin had struggled, spending five months in the Hospital before being released because he was “aging out.” He did well at times but we knew he continued to struggle. Austin had moved out of our home and we had moved down to St. George.
A week and a half after we made the move, Austin came for a visit. He showed up at our new home, brought his girlfriend and her parents to introduce us. He announced they were engaged, asked me to give him a haircut, make his favorite meal, take them to have my husband take engagement photos of him and his fiancé, and take her senior pictures. As Austin went to leave for home, he came to me and gave me one of his special Austin hugs saying, “I don’t wanna go.” I was confused by that statement and just said, “Well then don’t. We have a spare room, just stay here.” He replied, “NO Ma, I don’t wanna go.” Austin went around the room giving everyone else a hug goodbye, and then came back to me. He hugged me again and said again, “Ma, I don’t want to go.” He paused, then “I love you Ma.”
Three days later became the worst day of my entire life. Two policemen showed up at our door to tell us, Austin’s body had been found. Our family’s hearts were shattered.
At Austin’s funeral we had teenager after teenager come through the line telling us “Austin saved my life.” Austin spent so much time trying to care for others, but it seemed he could save everyone else, but he couldn’t save himself.
The next minutes, days, weeks, months, even years have been a mix of being a living nightmare, mixed with miracles and blessings we could not have imagined. I tried so hard to look for the blessings, but life was really hard for our family. Several of our other kids that had never struggled with depression, too became suicidal. I even went through my own bout of horrible depression that I had never known or understood prior to all of this.
As we tried to adjust to our new life without Austin, I had so many questions. My heart ached to know, “where is Austin really” and “can Austin still be Austin?”
As I contemplated these questions, I prayed begging Heavenly Father to know where Austin really was, even though my whole life I had a testimony of eternal families and what awaits us on the other side, but I found myself questioning everything.
Within days of praying this very sincere prayer to know where Austin was really, and was he still able to be Austin, helping and serving others, I received a very heartwarming Facebook message. It started out “Dear Sister Lund…” It was almost unbelievable yet so heartwarming what I read next. It was a young man who said he just had an experience he knew he needed to share with me.
This young man had lost another friend and Austin to suicide while he was out serving a mission. He said that he himself had struggled with depression and was really struggling again even contemplating taking his own life. He said that he was contemplating the state of his now two friends that had taken their lives and where they were. He said it was then when Austin came to him. He explained he knew both Hayden and Austin, but probably knew Hayden a little better, but at that moment, knew without a doubt it was Austin there with him and it was then when he heard Austin say,“Serve others and you will be OK.”
In receiving this incredible message from this young man, it made me realize a few important things. First of all, what a beautiful message for me to be able to know when our loved ones pass on, they are still able to be right here near us. Second, Austin is still able to be Austin. But third, and probably most importantly, what a gift to be reminded by Austin, that if we all serve others, that is when we will find a way to really be okay.
April is always such an incredibly hard time of year for us since losing Austin. I hear far too often of another losing their life to such tragic circumstances when they don’t realize how needed they are here on Earth. It always makes me wonder if there is anything I could have done to serve them in order to help them realize their value
This April marks eight years since we lost Austin. We love and miss him dearly. We wanted him here so desperately. If only he had known how loved he was. His kindness and love of people was so needed here on Earth.
Please remember to check in on your friends and loved ones if something seems off. Tell others daily they are loved and needed here. We all need each other to get through this thing called life. And most of all, like Austin said: “Serve others, and you will be OK.”
Submitted by Jodi Smith Lund
Publisher’s Note: This article was from the April 2025 Issue 155. Just realized it hadn’t been published as a stand alone article online so we thought we would publish it now. It’s tagged as April 2025 – Issue 155.
