Three occurrences have caused me to wonder about death. First, I recently attended the funeral of a neighbor and distant friend. Someone I always thought of as one of the kindest and most decent people in town. Sadly, she succumbed to cancer. On the day of the funeral many family and friends gathered to pay their respects. Stories were told, sentiments were shared, all were feeling the loss of a beautiful wife, mother, sister, aunt, and friend. Funerals have that in common — that feeling of loss. It’s interesting how the existential questions spring to mind when a person you know passes on. Why did they have to go? Where did they go? Who will fill their shoes, so to speak? What things are important in life?
I spoke to a couple of funeral directors. Their business is about the difficulties of losing a loved one, friend or acquaintance. As we chatted, I asked about their business and what changes they have seen. I learned that attendance to funerals has dropped noticeably over the past seven years.
Learning this caught me off guard. Don’t people feel a desire to pay their last respects to a neighbor, a friend, or a family member? Some of my older neighbors have said that living longer than all your friends means that not many people will be at your funeral. Why wouldn’t you want to take that last opportunity to say goodbye to a person you knew, and to see them off on their journey. Even if you didn’t know them well, but knew their family members, why wouldn’t you take time to say your regrets to those family members?
I asked myself, and now ask you, why would someone choose not to attend a funeral? Are they too busy? Do they not want to invest the emotional effort? Is it not convenient?
I had another conversation with a friend who’s sister had passed. She didn’t want a funeral. Some family members were dismayed. They said the funeral is for the living to pay their respects, to reflect, to give a space where a person might come to terms with the loss and how it will change their lives. I agree that funerals are so the grieving can gather, reflect on what were the things that mattered most to the deceased, and share their tears with others who feel the loss. They share the stories from the departed’s life, recalling the good times, the poignant times, and the hard times.
I’d like to make an observation.
My experience and from what I have heard from others, is that funerals tend to affect people close to the deceased by waking them out of an earthly slumber. Having gained some consciousness, they are asking questions about what matters most in life. Having seen some of the injustices of life they may ask about the purpose of life. This moment of waking up, or having their eyes opened for a brief moment, is felt deeply but begins to fade day by day after the funeral until we have for all intents and purposes, fallen back to sleep, and no longer able to remember what should be important in our lives. What I’m saying is when these moments happen, a window is opened for a short time regarding what are the real important matters in life. Then the window closes and we fall asleep again.
So, if there are fewer people attending funerals, there are fewer people who are experiencing a wake up call about the important things in life. There is less time in contemplation, less time in wrestling with the ideas about what should be important, and what should guide our choices in our future. Fewer people with those insights means that in the world, the things that matter most will be at the mercy of the things that matter least. We can choose whether we attend a funeral or not, but we don’t get to dictate the consequences. Please, attend the funerals.
