Hello to the Serve Daily readers. I want to introduce myself as the newest addition to the Serve Daily Family of writers. I will be featuring a column in every edition for a while titled “I’ve Been Wondering,” with the goal to offer help and support to the local community.
My name is Ben, Ben Wunderin and I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Just to be clear, Ben Wunderin is a pen name and not my real name, for obvious reasons. This new column is designed to allow you, the reader, to submit stories to me for review where you feel like you may need some advice or help answering questions about mental health issues that you or others you know may be facing. The goal is to help the community where I can.
I want to be clear, I do not accept any payment for this service from Serve Daily, or those writing in. I have chosen a “pen name” because this is not meant to advertise myself or my services outside of the scope of this column.
However, because I am licensed to practice, I do follow the standards and ethical practices of my industry and insist on confidentiality in correspondence with those who may write in for advice or help.
This means that in the true fashion of those who have done this before me, like Ann Landers and others, I would ask that you choose a pseudo-name for yourself (a fake or pen name) so that when the summary of the story and response is printed in the Serve Daily column, you will know that it was meant for you and your story without using your real identity. It is important to send the details of the story or the background of the problem, but the words may be changed or altered to appear more vague to protect the identity of the writer.
The hope is that we can have some fun and friendly interactions with the readers, and offer some helpful advice for you in your life. I am excited to try this “old fashioned” form of communication with others, and I am interested to see how this all works out.
Some tips to get us started
To start the column, I want to talk about something that is helpful to all people in all relationships throughout their lives — proper communication techniques.
There are a wide variety of techniques that have been discussed over the many years of therapeutic treatment. However, I have chosen three techniques that I call the “Pillars of Effective Communication.”
The first pillar is, Use I-statements. This was a concept notably coined by 1960s Psychologist, Thomas Gordon. The way this is used is by first identifying the emotion or feeling that you are experiencing. This step is important because this is what you are going to convey in your message to the person with whom you are speaking.
The proper format would look something like this: “I feel (insert your emotion or feeling) when (the event that took place) happens. For example, “I feel hurt when others call me names.” Or “I feel frustrated when chores are not done before bedtime.” This technique allows the person communicating to take ownership of their emotions without casting accusatory “you-statements” that often trigger defensiveness in the other party. This also allows you to communicate with simple words rather than long drawn out explanations, accusations, or big body language.
The second pillar is, Clarifications. This concept dates back as far as ancient Greece with philosopher Socrates. It was adapted much later into what is now known as the “Person -Centered” approach to therapy, by the wonderful Carl Rogers.
The idea of clarifications is to always be actively listening to the other person and respond with questions of clarification so you can better understand their perspective and hopefully share clear definitions of things to avoid confusion or misunderstandings.
As an example: Your wife may say, “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t get any help from others with the housework.” Husband might say, “What I am hearing you say is, you are feeling overwhelmed because you are doing all of the housework without any help from other people?” He might even clarify a term that he wants better defined like, “I understand you feel overwhelmed, but can you please define the term ‘housework,’ so I have a better understanding of what chores you are concerned about?” This tells the person you were listening to them.
The third pillar is, Validations, which was formalized in the development of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), by Dr Marsha Linehan. The idea of validation is to let the other person know that their feelings, thoughts and actions are understandable. The second part is that it tells the other person that you are actively listening to what they have to say. This helps reduce yelling in communication because most people usually only yell in communication when they feel like they are not being listened to, heard, or understood. This format can also be attributed to Carl Rogers with the idea of “unconditional positive regard.”
If you have read this column today, share these techniques with those in your life whom you would like to improve your communication techniques. Practice them with those people even with the smallest of communication engagements. Doing this will help you learn how to use them when the idea of communication is more challenging because of differing perspectives.
If you feel overwhelmed and feel stuck, it is never a bad idea to seek a professional counselor to help you navigate some of the difficult things in life. Individual, marriage, and family counseling can be a powerful tool in healing yourself and your relationships.
If you or someone you know is suffering from mental illness that may pose an imminent threat to yourself or others, please seek immediate help through the mental health hotline by dialing 988, or check in with your local emergency centers.
If you have a question to submit, visit benwunderin.com.
Submitted By Ben Wunderin
