Have you ever noticed that every other driver is an idiot?
There are a lot of drivers out there on our roads, but none of them are as good at driving as I am. You would think there would be SOMEONE out there who can drive as good as I can, but I sure don’t run into them very often. (Figuratively speaking.) (Literally, too.)
Anyone who drives slower than me is a dundering moron. What are they even doing on the road? If you can’t keep up with freeway speeds, get out of the way and let those of us who know how to drive use the road! Do you know where the gas pedal is? Do you know how to use it? Are you actually driving that car, or is it being pushed along by the wind? Move it or lose it, buddy!
Anyone who drives faster than me is a crazed maniac. This is a freeway, not a racetrack! Slow down, you’re going to cause an accident! They have speed limits for a reason, you know. Unless you’re rushing a pregnant woman to the hospital, you really need to ease up. Slow down, you lunatic! You’re going to get someone killed!
Anyone who drives the same speed as me is an annoying jerk. Oh, so you’re going to just ride there in my blind spot for ten straight miles? Do you really think that’s a good idea? Either pass me or don’t, you dolt!
The worst are the ones who fluctuate their speeds. They pass you, then you pass them, then they pass you again, then you pass them again. It’s like some kind of bizarre country line dance done at 75 miles per hour!
Of course, all of these problems multiply exponentially when there is snow and ice on the road:
*Yes, I realize the roads are snow-packed, but that doesn’t mean you have to go 20 mph, you slowpoke!
*You crazy idiot, why in the world would go so fast on these icy roads? You’re going to kill yourself or someone else!
*Back off and give me some room, doofus!
So, what’s the solution? I don’t know that there is one. About the best thing I can come up with is to ask you all to stay off the roads when I’m driving. It’s in everybody’s best interest. Because no one wants to be on the road with a raving lunatic. (Wait…is it me? Am I the raving lunatic?) (Nope. I’m an excellent driver. If you don’t believe me, just ask me.)
