Several months ago, I was speaking with a client who struggled with the yo-yo experience of health for longer than he cared to admit. For decades, he had repeatedly attempted to overhaul his nutrition, activity, sleep, and stress—only to eventually revert to old habits.
I started with the obvious: “What do you want to change?”
His response was common: “I want to lose weight, mostly to look better, but I imagine I’ll feel a lot better, too.” By “feel better,” he meant more energy and a lighter presence in his daily life.
I pressed him further: “But why do you want to look and feel better?”
“Isn’t that kind of obvious?” he replied.
That’s when I asked a question designed to cut through the surface-level goals: “Can you remember a time in your life when being optimally healthy created a mental lighthouse—a powerful memory that keeps urging you to come back?”
I wasn’t prepared for one of the most powerful “whys” I’d heard in nearly two decades of coaching people in their health.
The referee’s peace
His story:
On September 10, 2001, I refereed my very first high school football game. I loved the game growing up, and becoming a ref was my way of staying involved, by encouraging youth to work hard and develop sportsmanship. I must not have been terrible, because the head referee called me later that night to ask if I would assist him in another game the next day. I excitedly accepted!
We all know what happened the next morning. Throughout September 11, 2001, every imaginable emotion was present. Overwhelm would be a colossal understatement. That afternoon, I was invited to a conference call with all the referees, discussing whether to cancel the games for the rest of the week. I was brand new, so I just listened.
I am so grateful for the courageous few who convinced the others to carry on. The decision was made not to cancel any games in our region. That evening, I stepped onto the gridiron. For the next couple of hours, I felt as if I was in a protective bubble, a place of complete peace, despite the collisions, the tackles, and the screams of the fans.
I continued to referee for several years, even without the healthiest habits. Eventually, my health issues forced me to stop. I know this probably sounds strange, but I really want to get back on that field to enjoy the peace that I have always felt there.
In the moment that he shared that story, his identity shifted. He was no longer just a person who “struggled” with healthy choices. He was an individual who had powerfully reconnected with his source of peace, and he knew the choices necessary to reclaim it.
Dissatisfaction vs. driving vision
As we close out the year and prepare for 2026 resolutions, we must understand the difference between surface-level desire and a driving vision.
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, asserts: “True change is not a behavioral process or simply an effort to change results. REAL change is an IDENTITY change!” My client’s identity shifted when he remembered his ‘lighthouse’—the referee finding peace on the field.
This distinction is crucial, and it’s supported by research. A Harvard study interested in the motivation to initiate and sustain change during the COVID-19 pandemic found that people fall into two main categories:
Dissatisfaction: People seek change as a result of discomfort or unhappiness in their current reality.
Vision: People seek change based on a strong, compelling vision of what they desire.
The study’s findings were stark: Dissatisfaction accounted for 92% of change initiation, but vision accounted for just 8%.
While dissatisfaction gets people started, it leads to very short-term results. Even a little change reduces the discomfort, and the human tendency is to revert to previous, comfortable habits. Those who were driven by a strong vision, however, focused more on daily habits that aligned with that vision than on the immediate result alone.
I remember the advice of my old ski instructor, which was to focus on your desired path, NOT the trees. You will go where your focus lies.
Helen Keller famously said: “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”
This year, let’s go beyond simply fixing what’s wrong. Instead, let’s develop a powerful vision for our lives—our own mental lighthouses—that will relentlessly pull us toward our highest capacity.
