The Laundry Is Never Done

r So, you are finished with the laundry? Good for you. But, are you naked? Unless you are naked, you are not REALLY finished with the laundry, because the clothes you are wearing need to be washed. (And if you are naked, please tell me that you aren’t at the laundromat!)

Doing the laundry seems simple enough: just put the clothes in the washing machine and get them clean. But, it’s much more complicated than that.

There are five steps to doing the laundry. They are:

1. Sorting–The first thing you have to do is separate the laundry into different categories of clothing that can be washed together. Everyone has their own special categories of laundry sorting. These categories may or may not include: Whites. Darks. Brights. Colors. Jeans. Towels. Bedding. Socks and Underwear. Clothes that need to be pre-treated. Clothes that have been pooped or barfed on.rAnd, that one red tablecloth that will turn anything that comes within ten feet of it a lovely shade of pink.

2. Washing–Just put the clothes and detergent into the washing machine. Easy, right? Except the washer has 14 different cycle settings (“Normal,” “Whites,” “Delicates,” etc.), plus five temperature settings, five spin speeds, three soil level settings, and over a dozen other settings. I’m no mathematician, but that’s an almost unlimited number of different ways to set the washing machine, and if you get any of them wrong you might end up ruining every piece of clothing you own.

3. Drying–The settings on the dryer are just as numerous and just as confusing as those on the washing machine, except with less water and more heat.

4. Folding–There are several different ways to fold clothes. My personal folding style is somewhere between “wadded up” and “lumpy.” Do whatever works for you.

5. Putting away–It seems simple. All you have to do is hang the clothes in the closet or put them in the dresser. And yet how often do those clean clothes live all week (or more) in the laundry basket they were sorted into? (Often enough that you frequently purchase new laundry baskets because most of the ones you own are full of clean clothes that never got put away.)

And there you have it! All the laundry is done! (If you are nude.) Or, almost done! (If you are not nude.) Now you can go to bed and … find that the cat has barfed all over your bed, meaning that you have to take all the blankets, sheets, and pillowcases and throw them in the wash.

Because the laundry is never done.

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