“This is too hard! I can’t do it!” “Nobody likes me. I have no friends.” “I’m the worst at [art/soccer/math]!” “I know I won’t be good at that, so I’m not even going to try.” “I’m going to fail my [math/science/history/English] test.”
As a parent, you’ve probably heard at least one of the above self-defeating phrases come out of your child’s mouth. It can be hard to know what to do in these scenarios. When your kids start talking down to themselves, it becomes glaringly obvious that parenthood doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
No two children are exactly the same, and there’s no single “correct” way to parent in situations like this. However, lovingly teaching your child the value of self-improvement (and experiencing the struggle that comes along with it) can help set them up for future success.
Many kids have very real fears surrounding the possibility of failure. They often use negative phrases to set expectations based on how they think they’ll perform or to protect themselves from failure in the first place. When you hear them use negative self-talk, it’s important not to assume they’re simply being dramatic or trying to get attention. They may be experiencing very big feelings that they don’t know how to handle.
If you think back to when you were a kid, you probably used self-defeating phrases yourself. Perhaps you still do. I know I have muttered negative self-talk as an adult; usually when faced with challenges or even opportunities that seemed scary and outside of my capabilities.
Although it’s natural to want to avoid failure, it’s crucial for children to learn how to push through negative self-beliefs and reframe them. Otherwise, they’ll navigate their lives with the mindset of a victim and miss out on the sense of fulfillment and accomplishment that comes from a lifetime of self-improvement. In short, they’ll see their life as something that happens to them instead of something they can shape and mold.
Have you ever heard the saying, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right”? This thought-provoking adage was first said by Henry Ford, the American founder of the Ford Motor Company. He left a world-altering legacy behind and is recognized as one of the most influential men in history.
However, before Ford introduced the Model T and became one of the wealthiest people in the world, he experienced many big failures. He attempted (and failed) to build two automobile companies (Detroit Automobile Company and Henry Ford Company) before founding the successful Ford Motor Company in 1903.
Detroit Automobile Company ended disastrously amidst bankruptcy and investor disputes. He was then forced out of Henry Ford Company by angry investors. Later in his life (in 1918), Ford decided to run for political office in Michigan, but lost by a narrow margin.
It’s clear that Ford experienced some big failures in his life. If that’s the case, why don’t we think of his failures when his name is mentioned?
The answer is simple yet profound: He didn’t give up.
Because Ford kept trying after each failure, we now know him as the man who succeeded. In his continuous quest for self-improvement and perseverance, he established a wildly successful motor vehicle company and introduced one of the most iconic classic vehicle models to the market.
Even more inspiring is the fact that Ford isn’t the only one who ended up changing the world after experiencing multiple personal failures. Thomas Edison, J.K.Rowling, Walt Disney, and Michael Jordan are just a few of the world’s successful history-makers who only earned their claims to fame after wading through remarkable failures and setbacks.
The next time one of your kids uses self-defeating language, tell them Henry Ford’s inspirational story. Or explain that Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper for “lack of imagination” before creating what would eventually become the most beloved animation studio in the world.
As icing on the cake, talk about how Michael Jordan experienced many embarrassing failures before arguably becoming the world’s biggest basketball legend of all time. In regard to his success in basketball, Jordan said, “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. … I’ve failed over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed.”
Beyond telling inspiring stories about historical figures, your own example is one of the most effective ways to encourage your kids to develop a mindset of self-improvement. Show them how to get up after they fall down by doing it yourself, over and over again. Let them know that failing doesn’t make them a failure. In fact, it’s the very learning tool that can help them succeed.
Failure doesn’t have to be the end of anyone’s story. By the way you live your life, you can communicate to your children that failure can either lead them away from or toward their goals. The choice is up to them.
